The guilt of it all

There are a couple human emotions I feel are entirely pointless. Guilt is one of them. I feel guilt is necessary when dealing with our conscience in order to make decisions that are right from wrong. However, my predicament shouldn’t make me feel guilty at all.

I recently found out I am pregnant. I’m not very far along, about two months, and the tremendous amount of guilt I feel is climbing. Why do I feel so guilty? I’ve always wanted another baby. However, the pressure I feel that it brings causes me so much guilt that it’s hard to feel happy.

I feel as if I’m letting a lot of people down. My parents are one of them. I know they are so worried because of my past severe postpartum depression that it prohibits them from being happy for me.

I feel guilty because I know I should be more excited. How lucky am I that I can bring another life into this world? We weren’t even trying and things just happen anyway. My fertility should be looked as a blessing not a burden.

I feel guilty that I told the world so early of our budding baby. But when is the right time for someone to announce their pregnancy? People usually wait til their second trimester when it’s considered the “safe zone.” I am not in the safe zone. Anything can still happen. But things can happen in the second trimester that are beyond our control as well. My heart aches for anyone who has ever lost a baby. I cannot imagine that loss and what that would do to me personally.

I share because I am an open book at this point. All of my experiences and what happens to me are meant to be learning experiences. But I can’t help but feel guilty for not enjoying this pregnancy as much as I should.

I’m exhausted. I can still take my bipolar meds but the ones I need for focus & attention are not allowed. I can’t seem to find the motivation to even want to go out and see the animals. It’s also been my longest gap in posting on Farmerish.

So how do we make it through moments when guilt & despair surround us? We push through. I have to rely on sheer will power to make sure things get done. I also have to rely on my support system.

This pregnancy will be different this time around. I have never had the support I’ve had in my life than I do now. I read a quote on Pinterest that said, “Guilt is rooted in actions of the past, perpetuated by the lack of action in the present, and delivered in the future as pain & suffering.”

When I was suffering through my postpartum depression I experienced a lot of rage. I had so much pent up aggression that I was taking it out on people that I loved the most- my husband especially. The guilt of that still triggers me currently. However, my present circumstances aren’t defined by my past.

I don’t want to live my life with pain & suffering because of guilt. No amount of guilt can change the past. We must let go in order to move on. And in the meantime, I’m going to enjoy this budding baby. Because it truly is a blessing.