Illusions of love

Covid 19 and this pandemic has sparked a weird sense in all of us, I feel. This isolation and never ending feeling of dread has made me search for opportunities to keep my mind at ease.

As the year of 2020 closes, a year with circumstances we never expected, I have to stop & reflect. So many things came into fruition for me that I never thought possible.

We bought a farm house and I rapidly started filling it with my pigs and goats. I also got pregnant. But my one true silver lining in all of this was starting this blog.

How can starting Farmerish be more important than finding out I’m pregnant? It’s not. But it’s given me a therapeutic place to write & moreso- connect with others.

Connecting with others is vital to me. I am a highly extroverted person with extreme empathetic qualities. I let people into my life easily even when my judgement tells me not to. Some say it’s naive, some say it’s having a big heart. I’m sure I’m somewhere in the middle.

Starting this blog, I didn’t imagine the masses of people to reach out to me. It’s amazing how words can resonate so well with others. The messages from strangers, people I know dearly, and even random acquaintances over the years have piled into my inbox.

Reading articles or blogs is entirely interpretive to the reader. But the general underlying theme of my messages is that people are more vulnerable than they appear.

I know by putting myself out there also lets a lot of people with darker intentions into my life, however. Illusions of love, I like to call them. They seem just as fascinated with me but it’s all just a distraction. I can’t let people into my life that aren’t going to return the same investment that I would do for them.

Social media is fascinating to me wherein we can put a different persona out there and only expose our “highlight reel”. I decided to do something different with my blog by keeping it raw, relatable, & most of all- real. The response & validation has been overwhelming. I’ve been featured on a couple popular mental health sites, including bphope.

But the insecurity I have within myself still drives me wild. I have 3 beautiful sons and a husband who loves me. I’m surrounded with a network that supports me. Loves me. Needs me in their lives. So why this constant need for validation from others?

I know deep down it’s just a longing to be seen & heard. A feeling that has been lost inside of me for the longest time. But I need to remember my priorities.

Seeking validation should always start within. By fully loving myself I can get a clearer picture of whose intentions are true and pure.

My family. My friends. My students. These are the true people in my life who love me. Not random strangers from the internet.

To anyone who has read my blog- thank you. I’m always here to listen, give feedback, or just simply be there. It’s not easy to completely put yourself out there for the world & be on display. But to the ones who don’t really care, I see you with a better perspective.

Never confuse the people who are there for you constantly with the ones who are only there when it’s convenient. And remember- the only stamp of approval you need should always be from yourself. ❤️