I’m a recovering addict. I had done drugs casually in college but really came to using them regularly afterwards. Percocets. Opiates. Oh my.

I remember taking my first one. I chewed it and chased it with vodka because I was told it would “hit harder.”
I loved how they made me feel. Such a numbing high. It felt like I was floating to space- a ride I never wanted to get off.
But the withdrawal. Oh the withdrawal. The next few days without them were torture. Like I had the flu. The night sweats were awful. I’d wake up drenched in sweat, feening for more.
I’ve been clean off opiates since 2014. I moved to Seattle and never looked back. I’d be lying if I said I gave up all my addictions all together.
One addiction I continue to feed is my insecurity. I did an Instagram “Live” yesterday. If you’re unfamiliar it’s where you can record yourself in real time for viewers to watch.
I had caught a friend, Mary Beth Fox, from notgoodenoughstuff.com. She is a licensed mental health counselor & was speaking about social media and attention seeking in adults.
I felt called out when I was watching her video. How often do we seek attention on social media? More often than I’d personally like to admit.
I previously wrote a piece, A Letter to my Insecure Self (https://farmerish.org/?s=insecure&submit=). In it I addressed the facts & myths I have created in my head about myself. Insecurities really are just myths we tell ourselves.
I wish I could say that I gathered all those “truths” and debunked my myths or personal beliefs & became a secure, confident person.
But alas I’m still a work in progress. How can we change what is already so engrained in us? I have a picture with affirmations that was given to me by a dear friend:

-You don’t have to be perfect.
-Having a bad day is okay
-Small steps are also progress
-Asking for help is strength
-People love & appreciate you
Perfection is exhausting & unattainable. It is literally so draining trying to be everything to everyone.
“I’m the great pretender.” I had whispered that in Mike’s ear the other day when he remarked how happy he was to see me in a good mood.
I am the great pretender. Pretender of someone that’s not me. Just fake it til you make it.
But in doing so maybe I can fake confidence? They say confidence is going into a room & not thinking you’re the BEST person in the room, but totally comfortable in who you are.
So fake it til I make it I guess. But til then I wont fuel the addictions. Whether it be insecurity or drugs. Because life really is too short to be spent hating yourself.
What beautiful and honest vulnerability! You are amazing. Just remember that very few people are truly working on them. Your self-awareness is one of your many wonderful pieces of you!
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