Addict

I’m a recovering addict. I had done drugs casually in college but really came to using them regularly afterwards. Percocets. Opiates. Oh my.

I remember taking my first one. I chewed it and chased it with vodka because I was told it would “hit harder.”

I loved how they made me feel. Such a numbing high. It felt like I was floating to space- a ride I never wanted to get off.

But the withdrawal. Oh the withdrawal. The next few days without them were torture. Like I had the flu. The night sweats were awful. I’d wake up drenched in sweat, feening for more.

I’ve been clean off opiates since 2014. I moved to Seattle and never looked back. I’d be lying if I said I gave up all my addictions all together.

One addiction I continue to feed is my insecurity. I did an Instagram “Live” yesterday. If you’re unfamiliar it’s where you can record yourself in real time for viewers to watch.

I had caught a friend, Mary Beth Fox, from notgoodenoughstuff.com. She is a licensed mental health counselor & was speaking about social media and attention seeking in adults.

I felt called out when I was watching her video. How often do we seek attention on social media? More often than I’d personally like to admit.

I previously wrote a piece, A Letter to my Insecure Self (https://farmerish.org/?s=insecure&submit=). In it I addressed the facts & myths I have created in my head about myself. Insecurities really are just myths we tell ourselves.

I wish I could say that I gathered all those “truths” and debunked my myths or personal beliefs & became a secure, confident person.

But alas I’m still a work in progress. How can we change what is already so engrained in us? I have a picture with affirmations that was given to me by a dear friend:

-You don’t have to be perfect.

-Having a bad day is okay

-Small steps are also progress

-Asking for help is strength

-People love & appreciate you

Perfection is exhausting & unattainable. It is literally so draining trying to be everything to everyone.

“I’m the great pretender.” I had whispered that in Mike’s ear the other day when he remarked how happy he was to see me in a good mood.

I am the great pretender. Pretender of someone that’s not me. Just fake it til you make it.

But in doing so maybe I can fake confidence? They say confidence is going into a room & not thinking you’re the BEST person in the room, but totally comfortable in who you are.

So fake it til I make it I guess. But til then I wont fuel the addictions. Whether it be insecurity or drugs. Because life really is too short to be spent hating yourself.

2 thoughts on “Addict

  1. What beautiful and honest vulnerability! You are amazing. Just remember that very few people are truly working on them. Your self-awareness is one of your many wonderful pieces of you!

    Like

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