Birthday Blues

It’s Sunday and I should be excited to watch football. Instead I’m on the downside of my bipolar mood swings. It seems with every manic or happy moment, the depressive state is even stronger.

Yesterday we celebrated my sons 5th birthday party. It’s amazing how we, as people with mental illness, can mask our feelings so well outwardly. I smiled. Laughed. Tried to be as accommodating as possible. But the feeling of sadness still lingers.

I haven’t found any motivation to write lately. It’s interesting how the manic moments encourage my creativity but when I’m in a depressive state I can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything.

The laundry has piled up. The house is in disarray. This morning was the first time I couldn’t get out of bed to feed the animals. My husband was a lifesaver & after all this time understands my mood swings. He knows it can seem physically impossible for me to do things.

Without our support system of people who empathize with us, it would make our mental illness so much more dire. We already feel hopeless enough & need people who just understand.

I know this feeling of sadness won’t last forever. But it’s so hard in the moment. The guilt I feel for not being able to just enjoy my life fully overwhelms me. I know I have the best support system and the most amazing husband ever but it all still hurts so much.

Sometimes it feels like it’s not enough. We struggle everyday. It’s an uphill battle that I sometimes feel like I’m drowning. But we also know that there are brighter days ahead. Days where the happiness just envelopes us. I wish I could hold onto those moments but they never seem to last.

We need to forgive ourselves. We can’t always be strong forever. But hopefully by forgiving ourselves it’ll make it a little easier to hold onto happiness.

To my birthday boy- I love you. I’m sorry mommy is a little sad right now. But you always make my life brighter & give me a reason to just try and make it through another day.

I just need to keep trying, it’s all we can do.

My birthday boy

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