Christmas Eve

How to survive the holidays when you’re a manic, moody mess:

I don’t know.

I’ve been slipping back into old routines. Smoking more, distracting myself, and sleeping too much. I’ve been irritable with not just my husband but sadly my kids, too.

It’s a never-ending cycle of guilt because I feel terrible afterwards. Thus feeling sad & annoyed, and restarting the pattern. It’s unhealthy and toxic around everyone in my vicinity.

I have been educating myself and trying so hard to alleviate my bipolar disorder’s evil symptoms. I cried miserably to my husband yesterday morning.

“When will this pain end?”

He wrapped me tighter & reminded me that bipolar is a chronic, life-long illness. It might never end.

I sob at that reality. Today is Christmas Eve & I am already feeling fatigued by negative/unwanted emotions. It’s not even 8:30 am.

But I just had a thought. It’s NOT even 8:30 am. It’s still early. I still have time to change my day around.

And there it is. With just that last sentence, my perspective has shifted. Negative…. to somewhat hopeful. That’s positive, right?

It’s those slight perception changes that help me. It soothes and reminds me to relax.

I prayed to God a couple months ago in one of my deepest moments of despair. I honestly looked up to the sky on that beautiful fall day & asked,

“Help me, God, what should I do?”

I swear on everything that’s precious to me, He answered.

Relax.

It was the softest but loudest message I’ve heard in my life. God was gently commanding me to relax. Take it easy. Forgive myself. Because that’s self love and where real growth occurs.

It’s still not 8:30. I’m going to wash my face, brush my teeth, and remain steadfast in relaxing with my family.

It’s Christmas Eve, after all.